I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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