I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
