I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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