So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize