I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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