I cockslap morals
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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