Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
