last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
