we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
