dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
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