we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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