I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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