Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
