Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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