never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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