Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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