The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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