The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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