I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
