i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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