An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
