i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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