found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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