The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
