So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
