this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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