Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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