i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
