Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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