and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
