She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
