Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
