you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
