we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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