my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
are you so shy because you have an std?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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