I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
