we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
