I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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