just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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