We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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