i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
