Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
