I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Porn is love you can see.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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