Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
