I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize