Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
