I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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