took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
