I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
