I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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