Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
