So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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