I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
