Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
