i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
