Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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