I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
