Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
