Where is the hickey?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
