I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
