What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
