the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
